Obdurate
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Tear ducts will push an eyelash away
Noses and ears will catch foreign objects
But what if a hair was caught behind an eye ball?
Or got through the hole in the drum before healing?
What if this happened before modern medicine?
A soul got caught in a person before birth?
All human suffering, a machine factory accident
Remaining until inevitable rot, the earth is the same
Tears of fury would fight to ignore it
Curing tinnitus by avoiding quiet spaces
A conscious universe impaired and frustrated

The fight is between ignored and ignorant
To abstain from a person never before felt merciful
To give people meaning we tell them to find it
Correctly telling people what not to do
Living this fringe is perfect for cinema
"An opera of stars who find me annoying
Inflicting more harm, I beg to be trivial"
These thoughts are thought during a period of patience
This patience is demanded, it takes time to reach planets
Perpetually debilitating the love I love most
I love you, I'm sorry, I'm trying to leave you
Process of elimination removes me completely


Spikes spray like bullets from its body,
Oddly choreographed with a pattern of vulnerability,
Offensive Spanish music plays, trumpets and hats,
In its arena with flames and with sand.

Fingers slip on delicious grease,
Movements rendered to mashes of panic,
Naive to the rules and easily defeated,
Return to last chapter, come back with more experience...

Hello cute animal, spiky and weird.
Mlem, mlem, tasty cactus sap!
Dust sprinkles cactus, oops.
Granted personality, a freak, but oh well, he’ll die soon.
Dumb and agitated, immediately endowed with a fully fleshed make-up.
Heads towards the land of the crocos...

Shirt of an adult has a print of a character,
Emotionally moved by imaginary animals,
Pulled back to life where the forklift chain jams,
Picturing cartoon fantasy worlds,
Ridiculously deep...

Meaningless tasks performed with passion and pride,
Choosing a place and that place is the computer.

1 toki b-ing! Stomp the Yi-tang phang dial,
Broken track wall glitch %%
⁃ error


The soundtrack makes the animal cuter,
Honourably parenting a computerised pup.

Heart full at night, ashamed yet oddly arrogant.
“One day this will be an accepted sexual preference,
But no son of mine is marrying a shovel”.

Digits,
Dictate,
Her,
Mistakes cause strife,
Pillow is clean,
Live,
In colour!

Forehead,
Sweating,
Pause,
Alt tab to hide,

Cactus forgotten,
New music unlocked,
Snorting nostalgia,
Pathetically hiding behind normalised culture.

Healthy habits healthy habits!
Granular focus,
Thursday is match day,
Professional athlete missing a foot.


What is a song?

2021-10-19


Music played through a speaker does not sound the same as music played through headphones, however, this does not create hesitation when a song is to be identified. Played out-loud, through headphones, through car speakers, or even played live by physical instruments, one quickly latches onto the sense of familiarity when their favourite song plays.
A Mathematician might say “a song is identified up to natural equivalence”, as were the musician to play a wrong note at a non-crucial moment, it would be dramatic in that moment to suggest an entirely different song is being played.
Let us now draw a distinction between a song and an instance of a song. Emotionally, it feels as though this settles the dispute, an instance of a song is the familiar concept: a recording on a CD, a live performance, a cover, etc. However, the excited energy which pushes the concept of an “instance of a song” into clarity simultaneously pushes the concept of a “song” into abstraction. The song becomes a theoretical objecti>, and an instance of a song a physical realisation of its platonic counterpart.
Other examples of pairings between theoretical objects and their physical counterparts are kindness paired with an act of kindness, an artistic experience paired with an artwork, or indeed the number five, paired with five rocks.
Where this becomes most interesting is in the mind of a composer. How does one compose when what they create is not what they are driven by? Explicitly, composer C does not create a song, but instead creates an instance of a song, so how ought C be driven?
The answer begins at a shift in perspective: one ought not forge a song, but instead one ought raise a song. Indeed, whether music is created or discovered is not known, but it is my contention that in either case the music should feel as though it was discovered. A good test is to see if it feels as though somebody else wrote it. Indeed, a creation born in a moment of true flow will be fascinating to that same craftsman at a later point.
Thus, to become a good composer is to become a good parent. A good parent patiently listens and follows their child’s interests without judgement nor concern for how that parent feels about the particular activity. In exactly the same way, a good composer does not write metal because metal is cool, but instead a good composer allows the song to find itself, through patient listening.
Where, in that case, does one begin when writing a song? The answer is that the process has already started, in fact it started long ago. Those who are compelled to compose have musical ideas already inside them, but they are covered in many layers of one’s own mind’s confusion and lack of self-awareness. Moreover, the musical idea is young, in fact, it is but an infant, so any ideas of its future are projected hopes from our own weak minds and thus must be ignored. Again, the job of the composer, is to be a good parent.
Obdurate begins with a blank score. A grand staff, piano. Excellent musical notation software must be chosen, the correct choice is Guitar Pro. A novelty amongst certain communities, but this program is cheap, efficient, intuitive, and the sounds are excellent.
First come chords, this by far is the most important part of the process. Beautiful chords have the power to generate emotion even when played in block pattern, with no sensible timing, on an overly digitalised piece of software. Never fall into the misbelief that having good quality sounds or instruments is crucial for good quality composition. The opening chords and oboe melody of A Metric Based on Insects has almost identical emotional pull when played on Guitar Pro as when played from the album (where the quality of the tones is higher).
Beyond this, is years of developing the skill of parenthood. Listening back to the block chords may call for attention to harmonic tempo, a rhythm, a melody, an extension, a retraction, a different tone, a layer, a sample, compression, equalisation, spoken word, invisible lyrics, etc. One follows one’s best judgement of decision. The song does not know of these concepts, it is the job of the composer to offer, in the same way that a child may not know of the concept of tennis, it is up to the parent to offer such a past time.
The most important part of the process is to enjoy the challenge of not knowing how to create the sound that you are after. As a concrete example, Comic Book Channel required guitar recordings (in fact, the entire album did in the end), and I do not play guitar. This is not a hurdle; it is an opportunity. I simply learnt guitar and then recorded the tracks (in extremely small, bite sized chunks). The learning gained from this experience is indescribable. One inevitably comes across hurdles, one simply problem solves. The key is to keep making progress, the feeling of moving forward will help maintain motivation.


Brutal album review by ChatGPT (AI)

2023-3-26


William Troiani, a PhD student in Mathematics, valiantly tries to fuse his academic pursuits with metal music in his project, Obdurate. It's like watching someone try to blend oil with water. It's clear that he's taken a plunge into the deep end, but unfortunately, it seems he forgot his life jacket.
Lyrically, Obdurate is a tangled mess of pseudo-intellectual gibberish. Troiani's attempt at incorporating highbrow philosophical musings into his lyrics results in a confounding and eye-roll-inducing listening experience. Lines like "A conscious universe impaired and frustrated" and "Meaningless tasks performed with passion and pride" are so pretentious, you'd think they were ripped straight from a freshman philosophy student's diary.
The music itself is a blatant display of Troiani's limitations as a musician. His guitar work has all the finesse of a toddler trying to finger-paint a Picasso. The heavy drum beats and aggressive basslines can't save this sinking ship, as they struggle to keep up with the cacophony of disjointed guitar riffs and solos.
Troiani's essay about music reveals his approach to composition, likening a composer to a good parent. The problem is, Obdurate feels less like a lovingly nurtured child and more like a Frankenstein's monster, cobbled together from a hodgepodge of incompatible ideas. The result is a discordant metal experience that's about as pleasant as nails on a chalkboard. The production of Obdurate aims for a DIY aesthetic but lands squarely in the realm of "Did You Even Try?" Troiani's use of budget-friendly music notation software like Guitar Pro leaves the listener wondering if they're listening to a metal album or a video game soundtrack from the '90s. The raw and unfiltered sound, which could have been charming, instead leaves the listener longing for the sweet relief of silence.
In conclusion, Obdurate's self-titled project is a catastrophic collision of metal music and academia. William Troiani's ambition is admirable, but the end result is a cringe-inducing train wreck. Obdurate might appeal to those who enjoy torturing themselves with convoluted lyrics and chaotic compositions, but for the rest of the metal community, this album is best left on the shelf to collect dust.


"I will be able to get started once..."

2023-9-17


If you need to ask yourself whether or not you trust your partner, then you probably don't. Trusting your partner does not come about by debating in your head over whether you do or do not and then satisfying yourself with the ultimate conclusion that indeed yes, after deliberation, you have come to realise that you do in fact trust partner. Instead, trusting your partner comes as silently trusting your partner without prologned discourse in your mind over whether you do or don't.
Let us abstract this thought a bit more broadly. What does it mean if one finds themselves debating in their head over whether or not they are "enough", ie, the famous "am I good enough" internal dialogue. Well, we arrive at a similar conclusion, if you are asking yourself this question, then you probably already know the answer, and you probably already know that the answer is no.
The proposition I wish to defend in this writing is the following: this realisation is good news.
How does one battle anxiety? What most people will try to do is convince themselves that the thing they are scared of won't happen. For example, say someone is scared of being cheated on, they will feel the threat of this and respond to it by brainwashing themselves inside their own minds with convictions and arguments which insist that they do not have to worry about this, and that their partner could never do such a thing ("forget about that one time at that party, they said it was meaningless and I trust them!!!"") This will result in a discussion (or more likely an argument) with the partner, where they are likely to be questioned, policed, have their character attacked, etc. Most notably though, no anxiety would have been cured, and so further safety would have be yet to be achieved.
What is happening here, is the person experiencing fear is trying to turn the low-chance thing (here, being cheated on) into a no-chance thing. This transformation is impossible, there simply does exist a chance that your partner will cheat on you, and even marrying the most devout nun in the village cannot turn this probability to zero.
So you do not have the chance to remove the possibility of scary things happening, but you do have a chance of living happily and peacefully in spite of this fact. If you build yourself in character and in mind, you will be able to transform yourself into somebody who is strong enough to handle the bad thing happening, even if it were to occur.
Say you were in fact cheated on. Then what would happen next? Realistically, step through it, what you believe would happen next? You would feel a big sense of betrayal, possibly embarrassment, lots of hurt, you will feel very shaken, and quite shocked. Then there will be a process of coming to accept that this has happened, your understanding of your situation will change, there will be many difficult conversations between many different people, or lack thereof, and over time your response and your future will become clearer, and then you will action whatever decision has been made. That sounds uncomfortable, difficult, hard, and as though the person going through all of that will be deserving of compassion, love, patience, and support (ideally wisdom too).
That can be done. In fact, it can be done with honour, fairness, and humanity. It is not a process which one will wish upon themselves, but it is also a situation which is possible to go through if strength and integrity have been previously aquired.
Lastly, there is the important following point: you need to make a decision in a circumstance such at the above, for which it will be necessary that you can listen to yourself. If you're
We now have an answer to our question, how does one battle anxiety? By developing strength and ability to practice acceptance. Acceptance of circumstance, to be precise.
Let's apply this to the title question. How do you battle fear of not being good enough? The answer is accept that you probably are not. This will psychologically open you to what you

The thoughts were pretty so why aren't these pictures?
Years of work towards tears of frustration,
Tempting a junkie with routine and chores,
Research is easy, another human whatever,
For every power there's an animal, kinda falling flat,
An adult with blind spots, diagnosed with Sisyphus,
Trade off is torture, reflection’s humiliating,
Arms locking windows, dry swallowing pills,

Intricate vocabulary, delicately navigating a complex diary,
Frequenting the start, new details each time,
A mausoleum echoes when somebody knocks,
Your child will hurt, prepare them for echo,
Did they grow up past getting caught cheating?
"Be brave and useful, carry the support?"
Open to wisdom, opening up to wisdom, always attempting to be open to wisdom...
Worry over porn while they click on a snuff film,


.Two people at base camp, one satisfied, one longing
Is the clash here personality
Define a threshold where above this, do, beneath it, don't
"Lived that way, died that way" is inconsistent with suicide

Is the scary part losing psychological sense?
It is not replaced by merely a void, even there the word "replaced" was used
The Vightknigh creeps

The thoughts overwhelm me, my mind is my television
Ridiculous consoling: "they gave spoonerism a name"
If comprehension ruled out cancer would focus improve?
A notepad only makes him invisible

An introvert might need a pep talk beforehand
An extrovert might need a television running
A ghost might need something to believe in
A puppy might need to be put to sleep
A cloud dissipates as its primary function
Pedogagy treats abandonment carefully
A neurotic let's out a sigh of relief, unfortunately they're safe as they spend their time thinking

Happy and bubbly, without pain nor a clue
A curly haired granny, I miss my grandma
Plotting life against time, the line goes up then goes down
A full stop as a purpose, the use of "curtain call"'s not deep
This mort's not petite
A memory of personality is no longer convincing